Being there and being grateful

As you can see, she found something delicious!

That is the last time we decide to snack on chocolate chips in our 

room late at night.

The next day she found that bag and had herself a nice little treat.

She also treated our walls and carpet to a new makeover.

Don't worry --- we got most of it out :)

She is innocent. 

She had no idea that what she was doing was a naughty thing.. she is just a curious little girl.

She has no idea about any of that.

She is just trying to figure things out ;) 

Which brings me to something I have been thinking a lot about lately.

Tonight as I rocked my baby to sleep I thought about the happenings of the day 

and what kind of day we had together. 

And I broke down crying. 

I wish so badly that I had more patience. 

How do I forget how little she is sometimes?

Yes, she makes messes and she gets into absolutely everything.. 

but is it worth getting mad and upset about it?

She is so fun and so lively. She genuinely enjoys life 

and everything it has to offer.

(Even if sometimes that means scrubbing chocolate off the carpet)

Sometimes I am afraid that I am going to hold her back.

Sometimes throughout the day I find myself saying "no" more often than I should.

I find myself on my phone or on the computer when I know I should be spending more time with her.

I find myself looking forward to her nap time just so I can have some "me - time".

I find myself putting her in the front room with her toys and sesame street just so I can clean the house. 

I find myself getting upset when she throws her food all over the floor instead of eating it. 

But these are just little things...

Yet, despite the day or how frustrated I get she always forgives me and as soon as she sees me she 

comes running into my arms.

I still am the number one in her life. 

Yesterday after a battle of trying to get her to eat dinner and her just repeatedly throwing it 

at me and on the floor, I gave up. 

I put her in the front room and I went up to my room, and we both had a good cry.

After a few minutes I came back downstairs and as soon as she saw me she started yelling 

"mama" and was laughing and came running into my arms. 

She just hug me and wanted to be held for a little while. 

It sounds silly but it was an eye opener for me. 

Being a mother is something I always dreamed of, and I absolutely love it.

But... it is hard. 

I get lonely.

I get frustrated and overwhelmed. 

I never feel like I am quite enough. 

I feel insecure.

Yet at the same time, I feel like the most blessed person in the world.

Seeing how Avery is so forgiving of me, makes my heart feel like its going to burst.

I am so grateful that she forgives me during my weak times of being a mother. 

She loves me unconditionally.

I am going to try to be more present in my daughters life. 

I am going to try to be more patient, 

more forgiving.

I am going to be more grateful for the opportunity I have to be her mother. 

She is perfectly healthy and happy and I don't want to look back with regrets. 

I am going to put distractions away and focus my time and energy in being there for her. 

Messes and all :)